Lookin’ For Love In All The Wrong Places

(WARNING: ADULT LANGUAGE AND SITUATIONS)

I never dated much. My first wife was my junior high school sweetheart. We were married 20 years. My second wife was an affair. We held it together with glue and rubber bands for 25.

Not much time to squeeze in many dates.

But after my second divorce, I made up for lost time. And it is from painful experiences that I discovered women to avoid no matter how good they look and smell, to include the crazies, druggies, drunks, dangerous, and gold diggers.

Who, specifically, am I warning you away from?

Here we go.

Strippers. Hookers (who want to change their lives, of course.) Women who have stage names, self-conferred doctorate degrees, tattoos above their vaginas that say “Boner Garage” or “5 Cent Rides,” and those who use vibrators that plug into the dryer socket.

Women who carry fake passports, or say matter-of-factly, “I sleep with this pistol under my pillow because I have a couple of ex-boyfriends who think I owe them money,” or during sex giggle and say, “Your dick reminds me of, uh, I can’t remember his name,” or who label vaginal sex “cute” and “old-fashioned, and use the term “trauma bonding” like it is an award of some kind, or tell you relentlessly what they “deserve.”

Also a good idea to keep your distance from women who ask, “How much are you worth?” on the first date and roll their eyes at the answer, “I don’t measure my self-worth in dollars.” Under the same heading are women who secretly look at your phone not because they are trying to find other women who you may be seeing, but are looking for your bank statement.

Stay away from those who call their kids’ fathers, “baby daddies,” and run away from those you have to beg, “Please, baby, put the gun down and let’s talk.”

Although you probably won’t need a woman who can do quadratic equations in her head, or recite the works in the Uffizi in alphabetical order, it is wise eliminate those who believe van Gogh was the bass player for 9 Inch Nails and when asked the name of the President, reply “someone whose name starts with a B.”

Women who drink Vodka that costs less than bottled water like bottled water and think a fun date begins with a silver chafing dish filled with cocaine — aren’t keepers.

Women who hit you, and even worse those who hit and can kick your ass, definitely need to be weeded out while you are still alive.

And once you’ve kindly, but firmly, eliminated these ladies from consideration, who’s left?

Just the good ones, right?

Wrong.

Settle down. We are not there yet.

There are still the mean-spirited, the strident, the entitled, and the Trumpers

They have to go, too.

And, even then you still won’t be left with the perfect woman.

Not even close.

She still won’t be someone who will put a smile on your face every moment of every day.

She won’t solve all your problems.

She won’t always make you happy.

The sex won’t always be new and exciting.

So, who will she be?

My ex-wife once asked me, after she walked out, “What are you looking for in a woman, Jim”, after she had listed a litany of behaviors, mental, emotional, and physical requirements that she would demand in her next man. She described George Clooney, of course.

I had never pondered the question objectively, “Who are you looking for?” but I replied instinctively, reflexively, “I am looking for someone who will be nice to me.”

My ex was incredulous.

“That’s it, Jim!? You want someone to be ‘nice’ to you? Well, I want a lot more than that, dude” she snapped, derisively, her voice dripping with condescension. “I‘ll never settle!” she barked.

I smiled knowingly and said, “I hope you find who you are looking for, but Clooney is taken and you’re not in Amal‘s league.” She threw a punch but it missed wide and I forgave her, again.

I remember thinking then, and knowing now, that we all “settle.” Fairy tales aside, whoever we meet is imperfect, flawed, damaged and mutable, that is, they change over time.

We all do.

Bottom line: It isn’t as much about finding the perfect woman (or man) as it is about being in touch with what flaws we will accept, she will accept, and a willingness to adapt and to compromise on all the rest.

It is accepting the fact that we will never get everything we want in another human being. We will never find Mr. or Miss Perfect. And even if we do, that perfection is fleeting if only because they will change, and we will change, over time.

Finding the right woman is not like picking a new Mercedes off the showroom floor. But it doesn’t mean deciding between the ‘52 Buick on four flats being drug across a gravel parking lot or the ‘66 VW with no tires sitting up on jacks, either.

It means focusing on what is really important — to you. Over the long haul.

And if I may be so bold, I suggest that if you happen onto a woman who is kind, caring, compassionate, concerned, who is nice to you (and acts like a nymphomanic in bed, of course), and you feel the same, and will do the same, for her . . .

Settle.

Settle now.

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