The Problem Isn’t Now

Practicing law for 40 years taught me the importance of planning, of projecting different possibilities and risks, and producing plans for each. I learned the importance of controlling the battlefield which is what life looks like when everyday is a battle and you are paid to fight.

Indeed, being surprised was tantamount to failure. It meant I had not considered a possibility that suddenly became reality. The surprises drove me deeper into projection as a way of life.

Over years, I became better at anticipating the moves of adverarles which led to success on behalf of my clients but also gave me a reputation of being a “control freak.” And I was. I genuinely believed, in almost every situation, that I knew what was best if only because I had anticipated more possibilities and prepared for them.

I learned that what was happening wasn’t as important as what might happen. It was what might happen that could be changed or redirected. Life was not happening out there. It was happening in here, inside my head, playing relentless “what if” scenarios, 99% of which never happened and 1% of which made me seem prescient.

That is how I lived my professional life.

Regrettably, those learnings have not served me well in life outside the law. The relentless chatter inside my head, the projections, the planning, the night sweats, the fears, the anticipation of every Armageddon scenario, continues, even though I rarely wake up to a day that is unacceptable just as it is.

Which leads here: I can continue preparing for tomorrow’s hideous possibilities, or I can accept life as it happens, and experience it now. I can accept the fact I am not in control of many, perhaps most, of the events in my life, and not focus on avoiding them, but accepting them. I can choose to feel the joy, pain, and trauma of each moment as it happens or continue to listen to the voice in my head that fears and prepares for a time that does not exist and may never.

I know at every level that life should be a series of consecutive moments to be lived and valued, to process experiences in real time, rather than projecting life as I think it should be.

But after so many years living in my head, I wonder whether I can do it another way, even though I know the problem is not now but then.

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