An Apology From The Abyss

I have never grieved before.

I pray never to grieve again.

I have been sad before.

Death of friends and family and my dogs who all loved me unconditionally.

Maybe the suicide of one of my best friends is as close as I came to grief.

Before now.

For the past two months, I have grieved the loss of Lorena, the woman I loved and who loved me in a way different than I have ever experienced.

I offer this not as an excuse, but as a reason, for my unavailability.

I am not good at grief, not just because this is my first confrontation with the powerful forces sadness, lonliness, and hopelessness, but because for me it is an intensely personal experience. For me, it is not one I feel comfortable sharing. With anyone.

There is nothing anyone can say or do that will change my reality, a reality without the person I planned the rest of my life around.

And, I am right.

The few times I have ventured out have been disastrous at worst, and uncomfortable for those around me, at best. No one wants to see a grown man cry. They may say they understand and are not disturbed, but their faces say something else. I would not be different if the roles were reversed.

Will it ever change? Will I ever “get well,” as one friend described it?

I don’t know. More importantly, I don’t care.

Distractions are just, well, distractions. They momentarily draw my attention from the existential. And I have found that when I am no longer distracted and walk back into my home, back into reality, I feel the grief again, more intensely, because I feel guilt that I have been so shallow as to divert my attention from my suffering, my sadness, not just for me but for her, for Lorena whose life was cut short, and who, like me, was excited about finally finding the One, walking, holding hands, snuggling, and seeing and feeling things which neither of us had known before.

Right or wrong, I feel my grief, sadness, and mourning, honors her memory.

I don’t know when it will end or if it will end.

But one thing I do know: I do this alone.

To those I have offended by not staying in touch, not seeing, I am sorry.

But I can assure you with utmost care, compassion, and concern, that it is best for all of us.

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