Cause Of Death

I often begin a column or blog not with an idea, but with a title. I don’t know where the titles come from. They just appear on the screen.

And I have stared at this title long enough.

Wondering what it means.

Where it leads.

In the end, it is a description we all will share.

“Cause of death:”

Then they fill in the blank.

“Heart attack.” “Cancer.” “Gun shot wound.”

And those descriptors tell a part of the story of one’s demise.

But not the most important part.

What we should search for is the cause of the cause of death.

The why.

“Why did his heart stop beating?”

“Why did she contract cancer?”

Heredity? Stress? Obesity? Smoking? Chemical exposure?

What was it?

We all step on the past over and over again without realizing it and it is in each of our pasts where the cause of the cause of our deaths are found.

One of my best friends put a pistol in his mouth fifteen years ago and pointed it towards the heavens. His brains covered the roof of his car.

Cause of death? “Gun shot wound.”

True. But that description did not go near far enough.

Yes, the cause in fact was a .45 caliber bullet that entered the top of his mouth and exploded his skull.

But there was a reason he chose to blow his brains out. A cause of the cause. And those are the causes that never show up on death certificates or in obituaries.

In his case, the cause of the cause of his death was a desperate need to support his family in a manner they desired, they had become accustomed to, that they expected. And when he couldn’t pull it off, he embezzled. Once discovered, he could not handle the embarrassment, the shame. And he took his pistol with him and stopped in the deep night in the countryside and ended his pain.

The cause of the cause of his death was shame. But that appears no where in any record.

And I wonder about others I have known who died. There are always causes of what we refer to as “cause of death.” And most of the time we never know and thus can’t explain or understand why death comes to those so undeserving of an early end.

The energy of the innocent didn’t save my love, Lorena. The cause of her death was leukemia. I will never know the cause of the cause of her death. Genetic? Environmental? Bad fucking luck? I don’t know but I often wonder about the cause of the cause of her death.

I don’t wonder about mine.

While I don’t know what the cause of my death will be or when it will happen, I do know the cause of the cause of my death and I hope someone somewhere writes it just this way:

“Jim Karger died today of a broken heart.”

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