Is Life Worth Living Without You?

A question I have often asked since Lorena died.

And I arrive at different answers depending on the day, the hour, even the minute.

On those days I am distracted by friends or business, I want to live just to see how it all turns out.

On days I stare at photos of my lost love, I think not. There will never be another like her. I know that.

But I have concluded there is more to living that my desires and my needs. I wake and see Milo and Kira, my long-time canine companions, sleeping in their beds next to mine. And I know they need me.

I have three amazing children and while they are independent and no longer need me economically, there is that occasional call looking for my thoughts and experience.

I have a handful of friends, many who have been essential to my understanding and acceptance of what has happened.

So, while I don’t always have a desire to continue, I have a need to do so. For others.

Perhaps ending one’s own pain is selfish when compared with the pain others will experience if one makes that decision.

And so I don’t ponder that alternative. I bought the ticket. I will take the ride.

What I know is Lorena’s death was cruel and delayed long enough that I had fallen completely and totally in love with her. And when she died I was alone. And except for occasional meetings with friends, I am still alone.

Grief, about which I have written much, is not just about living in sadness and fear, but about anticipating a next day, and the next, and the next, fearing they will not be different, a hopelessness punctuated by boredom.

Death matters and the consequences irrevocable. Lorena whispered to me on the last night we spent together, “I have been unhappy in relationships most of my life. I now have something to live for. I want to live. Even if just five more years.”

And I wanted her to live. Not only for me but because she deserved her piece of happiness and satisfaction on this rock.

But what one “deserves” means nothing. Nothing at all. She was the most kind and deserving woman I have ever known. And she died anyway. Kind, young, happy, and full of hope.

At this point, what I look for is not happiness, but just a little less pain.

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